I have been driving for 3 days from New Mexico to Pennsylvania. I lived in New Mexico for a few years and recently I could not find enough work so I had to pack my car with a few things and drive back to where I grew up. I had to let go of a lot of recently discovered friends and relationships. I had to let go of a certain comfort I had being so close to the activities I so loved. And I had to face my Pride. I felt I was doing something so good for myself. And here I was crawling back to mom because I just couldn't make it.
It has made me see how little is required to survive. I was eating almost nothing everyday (no fruits, veggies or meat - they were all too expensive) because there were other things more important to pay for. Like heat and hot water and gas for my car so I could get to my 1 day a week job.
I long time ago I realized I felt guilt when I drove by a homeless man begging. Now as I drive by them I feel a sort of familiarity because I have become that beggar. I am currently living with thousands of dollars of debt, no job and no address. It doesn't mean I am lost and broken. It means I am capable of surviving something I never dreamed I had to face. And I can honestly say that when I had everything (a house, a job, close friends, food, etc.) I had a sort of arrogance thinking that living without all of it would be so easy.
But actually living it is something else entirely.
It is a struggle to keep your mind positive when everything is telling you that you have failed. It takes a strong Will to keep the belief that even though things seem to keep getting worse, at one point, they will get better. There is no blaming a God for doing this to me. At one point I made a choice, and this is what I had to face to take responsibility for my choice. It is no one's fault. It is simply what happens.
I am not out of the weeds yet, so to speak. But I refuse to let this situation get the better of me.
I am still alive. So there is still something that can be done about it.
For those of you who have supported me through this so far,
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And what would a journal be without a few features?
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